Being single has never been easy. Humans are social beings: we gain meaning, purpose, fulfilment, contentment, drama, prosperity, knowledge, understanding from interacting with other people. Online dating apps and websites can be dark and lonely places for those who are looking for a traditional relationship. But they can also offer a protective boundary, a new way to explore the world and those around you. New technologies are making long distance relationships easier than before. But private companies are also profiting from all of this. I’ll expand upon all these points below.
Dating apps forge faceless connections between us and thousands of single people. I say 'faceless' because although we can see the profile pictures or holiday snapshots of other people, they remain strangers. We are not sure if the picture depicts the real person, if they are trustworthy, or if they are even really single. There are predators out there, and this requires new kinds of trust and new types of negotiation skills (the sociologist Antony Giddens is good to read on these points).
Social networking and dating apps can be experienced as shallow, superficial hellholes for the lost and lonesome. There is no real, face-to-face contact and commitment between people, only virtual. Because of this, people are free to express themselves in entirely new uncommitted ways. 'Dick pics' or 'tit pics' can be shared, cyber-sex can occur, sexual abuse happens, in ways that would be unimaginable by real-world standards. It is illegal to flash in public, so why isn't illegal online?
Social networking and dating apps can be experienced as shallow, superficial hellholes for the lost and lonesome.
Some might say that trawling through this mess is search for something deeper, more fulfilling, and to establish a more traditional or conventional relationship based on face work, intimate trust bonds, loyalty and honour, can seem like a never-ending and fruitless venture. Essentially, being online looking for genuine love can feel like swimming in a barrel of rats. Alternatively, cyber-worlds can also be safe spaces for socialisation, deeper levels of personal enquiry or sexual experimentation.
On the other hand, the spatial distance that separates us from others provides a great protective boundary. This can lessen the need for absolute social commitment or make us more blasé about the fear of rejection. Networked dating can be a bit of fun for us to toy around with until someone special comes along. Who knows, that fun could carry on in the background of a fairly healthy, material relationship. There are positives once a social bond consolidates.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/n9fi4rHSR-w?wmode=opaque
Video: Sociologist Eva Illouz introduces her book titled "Why Love Hurts"
The original purpose of information communication technology is bring people together, rather than separate them or enforce a rule of out stretched relationships. While you are travelling, it is now possible to show a distant partner a photo of the cup of tea you're drinking, choose what movie to watch tonight, send love songs or poems, discuss your partner’s wellbeing with close friends or family members, and so on. This kind of transient relationship was inconceivable one or two hundred years ago, and we are only just learning the rules today - and they will have changed by next year. A very intimate and close relationship can emerge that is stretched out, but also very connected in many ways.
Online dating also takes us beyond our most intimate and subjective experiences of love – today, the data of online lovers is used by private companies that profit hugely from this developing love industry
What does this mean for love in the contemporary age? I would like to suggest that quite traditional relationships are being amplified, higher highs and lower lows. Being single has always been hard, but in the present, it means more depthless flirting, more casual dating, interacting with greater numbers of people who are extremely untrustworthy by traditional standards. If this boundary between self and the faceless other is intercepted, and a meaningful relationship established, then a newer, more connected, emotionally entwined and entangled relationship could emerge, even if it is separated by great distances.
Importantly, while I have written here about the emotional aspects of relationships in the era of online dating, we have to remember that online dating also takes us beyond our most intimate and subjective experiences of love – today, the data of online lovers is used by private companies that profit hugely from this developing love industry.